I’ve always wanted to write a book. I chose a challenging path in life and it’s not without it’s tough spots. What’s the best thing to do when times are tough? Drink Bellini’s and brainstorm some chapter titles. Yes, they could stand to be trimmed down in places, but too much wine and time on your hands will steal your brevity like a thief in the night.
Chapter 1 – WTF was I thinking?
Chapter 2 – Shit always breaks, get over it.
Chapter 3 – My cute little asses are furry murdering midgets
Chapter 4 – This turkey isn’t leaving. A field guide to terding.
Chapter 5 – I’m happy to help anytime, provided I can stare at your ass.
Chapter 6 – Are you ready to give up yet?
Chapter 7 – Fifty Shades of Strays, because you will die alone with too many cats
Chapter 8 – Suicidal Deer – gutting game for the squeamish
Chapter 9 – OMG, are you f*cking kidding me? Making peace with bad weather.
Chapter 10 – Well pumps only break in two feet of snow.
Chapter 11 – Life is like a layup, you never run enough in the field until you’ve spent some time locked up in the barn.
Chapter 12 – If pipes break, it will happen when you are not home.
Chapter 13 – Great risk = great reward
Chapter 14 – Or great failure, one of the two
Chapter 15 – Hard work and dedication are not hot.
Chapter 16 – How not to hoist a 26ft ladder over a 20ft beam alone.
Chapter 17 – How to hoist a 26ft ladder over a 20ft beam alone.
Chapter 18 – Chainsaws can maim and kill.
Chapter 19 – You can’t wait forever for a saw-sitter.
Chapter 20 – How to rent a husband without pissing off his wife.
Chapter 21 – You can make friends with the wood stove, but dad will always want the splitter back before you are done with it.
Chapter 22 – You really can learn to fix anything if you are not too concerned with appearances
Chapter 23 – Anyone not gratified by challenge, hard work and outright impossibilities will be sure you are warped or weird or both.
Chapter 24 – You are.
Chapter 25 – Nights spent in, drinking and counting your cats are safer than nights out. Save your effort.
Chapter 26 – Always delete your internet search history, you never know when the cats might finally succeed in killing you.
Chapter 27 – Never watch lifetime channel while you are drinking alone.
Chapter 28 – WTF was I thinking? Obviously, I was thinking I could do anything I might have to. So far, I’m still doing it.
Appendix A – Sex toys, a comprehensive review
Appendix B – A beginner’s guide to your tool box
Appendix C – Drywall can be patched right, how the hole ended up in the wall is not important
Appendix D – A girl’s guide to nails, screws, nuts and bolts. Out of a 1,000 choices, you can get by on a farm with 10 or so.
Appendix E – Tools not to buy
Appendix F – Tools to buy.
Appendix G – A field guide to poisonous trees and plants. If it can kill them, your pets will eat it.
Appendix H – Sweeping the Chimney, it helps to whistle while you work.
Appendix I – Plumbing terminology simplified. Because WTF?
Appendix J – Electricity, when in doubt, shut off ALL the breakers.