So, it’s no secret I don’t date very often. I gave it a go a few times this past summer, but before that, not one date in two years. I get tired. I get tired of expectations, both my own and the expectations of others. I get tired of the weird questions, leading statements and wading through the pile of what another might be willing to share in search of the few elements which really matter. I know what I want, I already have most of it, and the remaining list is short.
Everything starts with chemistry, it drives our efforts. What else do you want from another person? What else do they want from you? So few people I meet really know what they want. Nor do they pay attention to those they engage. The hurdle which is clear communication often finds itself too high for most people to jump.
We engage others in relationships to fill an empty space. The list of what I thought I wanted used to be very long. I wanted so much. I felt my empty space was a chasm. After seven years of being single, I’ve realized the chasm I need to fill is merely a small hole. It doesn’t matter what I want, what matters is what I need. When I have what I need, the list of what I want wanes like a tired moon. The pomp and circumstance most people expect from a relationship is unnecessary and often wholly unrewarding when achieved. After all, lavish displays of appreciation and love are almost always for those watching, not those involved.
The idealist nature with which I would approach potential partnerships in the past often left me disappointed, disgusted or both, I wanted the big show and I wanted the world to know I had it. I had expectations higher than a crack whore. I’ve touched on the ‘fairy tale’ concept in blogs past. There are no fairy tales outside of the lifetime channel. Go watch ‘He’s Just Not That Into You’ but imagine no one ends up together in the end. That’s all too often real life. The reason, it’s just too easy to want too much from a person. It’s even easier to find someone who doesn’t ‘fit into your box’ (pun intended, of course) and try to make them fit. I want this and you love me, so you have to want it to. But what do you need? Is it reasonable? If so, it’s what you should look for. There is someone out there looking for the same thing.
Trimming your list to just your needs is no guarantee you will fill your hole (yes, intentional again), but finding the few, most important qualities in another you NEED is much more attainable than checking off a page full of attributes which at the end of the day contribute nothing to your happiness.
We have a saying in the world of horses, ‘you can’t ride pretty’ or ‘you can’t ride a color’. It’s a basic concept of finding what you need vs. what you might want. Seek only what you need and you end up with the right horse, no matter the color.
Don’t be afraid to ‘inquire within’ when you consider a potential partner and pay just as much attention to behavior as words. Unfortunately, truth in loving is not a generally accepted policy.
I think my list is pretty simple.
LCKHR. Boom. Happy accident.