Monthly Archives: December 2014

A New Year’s Poem


But Don’t Let The Door Hit You In The Ass


Scene after scene

Finds me much as last year

And one thing is clear


Here on the acres

There are no breakers

Things will keep breaking

My bones will keep aching


Problems will come and problems will go

Old ones, stale ones, those I’ve yet to know

Mostly my good times balance the bad

And my days of happiness outweigh my sad


As another year sets in quiet repose

I’ll call up the good times, think only of those

Clean out my closets and start the New Year

Overflowing with happiness, love and good cheer


As it happens, I manage, although sometimes it’s tough

I suppose that I’m lucky, just lucky enough

The house is half clean, the toilet still leaks

But my friends won’t care, I hang out with freaks


So 2015,

Wipe our slates clean

And no more stray cats

I can drink to that.


Wishing everyone a safe and happy New Year!


The Management, Broke Ass Acres






Walkin in a Muddy Wonderland, A Holiday Poem

It’s not going to stop raining, there is no use in complaining

White Christmas is out, don’t bother to pout

We’re walkin in a Muddy wonderland.


Rain boots on, it’s time go out and let the horses stretch their legs out

One slipped and fell, it’s a horse owner’s hell

We’re sliding in a Muddy Wonderland


You’ns can shape an ornament from a mud ball,

Set them on the floor around the tree

You can make the best of it or shout out

I’m sick of mud so freeze it up for me


Playing fetch in the driveway, the scent of wet dog wafting my way

To get back inside, I must dry their hide

We’re tracking in the Muddy Wonderland.


Clean the house; companies coming.  What’s the point, the rain’s not stopping

I’ll let the dogs out to pee and like I never cleaned

We’re living in a Muddy Wonderland…


The dogs have turned a color I can’t name now,

The slide tracks in the yard will never fade

Hikies are suspended til it dries up,

I can’t believe the mess the rain has made


I know white Christmas is loved by many, but cleaning snow really kills me

I’m happy enough, though mud can be rough

I’ve come to grips with Muddy Wonderland…and I’m not clearing snow on Christmas Eve.


I hope everyone has a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!!!!   

The Management, Muddy Ass Acres



When Too Tight is a Problem, The Home Owner Files.



My dishwasher backwash line will just start overflowing on the counter out of the blue; despite the fact my kitchen drain is always clear.  The mend is simple, at least in theory.  Loosen the hose clamp, remove the hose, clear the blockage and replace everything, right?  Except the fucking hose is so ‘on’ the pvc and so supremely inflexible, near hulk like strength is required to remove it once the clamp is loose.  *reaches for the spinach and sighs* After ten minutes of swatting at Homer as he tries to investigate the open cabinet and making the ‘shit of the century’ face while wrestling the hose off the pipe on one meager cup of coffee and no breakfast, I find, per fucking usual, there really is no blockage.  I stab around with my screwdriver, scrape the insides of the hose and the pipe, and replace the hose and NO MORE LEAKING.

What is this trickery, you ask? So what exactly is the problem?  I don’t know.  I imagine a thin bubble of scum over the opening of this hose, built over time by the last bit of wet cat food gravy rinsed out of the empty can, a drop or two of grease left behind by Sunday’s bacon, the backwash of the half and half that is too sour to use, all woven into a few strands of my hair like a white trash dream catcher waiting to be stabbed from existence by Early Morning Angry Alison wielding a screwdriver.  I can think of no other explanation.  Add this to the list of puzzling home owner WTF’s.

 Life 1

Alison 1

I am calling this repetitive incident a tie only because the confounded hose is so hard to remove I will use towels to sop up the water for at least two weeks before breaking down and handling the problem.