I’ve decided there are a few points we need to clarify. I’ve written you an up to date list of house rules. I suggest you heed these warnings, nine lives may seem like enough, but a few of you are running out. Accidents do happen, so I suggest you save a few lives to account for the injuries you sustain during blind stampedes through the house (like the times you forget you’re playing in a bag, wind up stuck in the handle and scare yourself), your miscalculations while attempting to jump on things you shouldn’t, and the likelihood you will knock me down at some point and I’ll accidentally crush you.
1. No part of my person shall be used to propel your forward motion at a high rate of speed. I must survive your childhood if you want regular meals to continue. Get the hell off me. I’m running out of Band-Aids.
2. If it’s not dry, crunchy and served in a small dish, it’s mine. Get the hell off the counter.
3. All the bacon is mine, especially the bacon cooking in the frying pan, whether it’s done or not. See rule #2 and get the hell off the counter.
4. Moths and other flying insects are no danger to the occupants of this house. Breaking glass, however, often leads to stitches. Stop breaking my shit. Get the hell off my furniture.
5. Furniture covers cover the furniture for a reason. Stop uncovering the furniture. See rule #4.
6. The toilet seat is for serious business, not a source of amusement. You do not fit when I sit. Keep your claws in when my pants are down. Get the hell off the toilet.
7. The toilet bowl is not a kitty pool. In the event an untrained house guest leaves the seat up, you should refrain from swimming in there. Dirty cat paw prints on the bathroom sink are unacceptable. Get the hell out of the toilet.
8. The bathtub drain, while understandably unique to other drains in the house, is not a cat toy. Stop stealing it. Get the hell out of the tub.
9. I shower alone, no exceptions. See rule #8.
10. I’ve seen you attempting to ‘flush’ the toilet. Unless you are actually going to use the toilet, leave it alone. Get the hell out of the bathroom.
11. Litter, while amusing to kick out of the pan onto the floor, is meant to cover your shit. We don’t want to smell your ass even if you want to smell ours. Keep it in the pan.
12. Shitting outside the litter pan to justify kicking the litter onto the floor is unacceptable. See rule #11.
13. The screen door design and construct may lend itself to easy climbing. Just because something is easy to climb does not mean you should climb it. Get the hell off the screen door.
14. Sleeping on my face creates the danger of suffocation. While my early demise may seem like a reasonable escape plan, I assure you no one checks on me regularly. There is no guarantee you won’t starve to death before my body is discovered. Yes, you could just eat me, but I assure you I don’t taste like chicken. Corn fed is a term, not a guarantee.
15. Weaving in and out of my legs while I am trying to walk through the house creates the danger of tripping which could result in blunt force trauma to any one of us. See Rule #14.
16. The desk and keyboard are off limits unless you plan to sprout thumbs, restack my papers and learn how to use spell check. Get the hell off my desk. I have to work efficiently or we’re all going to starve.
I’ve covered the lolly column in the basement with sisal rope to meet your climbing needs. I’ve built you a hammock under the desk for your relaxation purposes. This is the full extent to which I am willing to go to rearrange my living areas for your comfort. Further attempts to redesign the house will force me to impose access restrictions.
P.S. I’ve left instructions in my will you should all be put on the street to fend for yourselves if you are in any way involved in my untimely death. Just saying.
Sincerely,
Sweet Ass Management