The scene: 

Over the weekend, I replaced a shower head.  No problem, right?  I even found the tape with the note to tape in reverse on the threads.  I am so bad ass.  I’m going to plumb.  I replace the shower head, I turn on the water, it’s all good.  Cue my Monday morning shower….you guessed it.  Leakage.  I’m quite sure in all my radiant independence it just needs tightened.  *crack*   *sigh*  Now it’s spraying on the wall.  Monday, really, what did I expect?

Because in my home repair zeal I failed to use the ‘extra’ seal ring on the connection to the source, I over tightened and cracked the threads off a metal pipe.  My bad.  Time to pay the piper….literally.

So I texted my neighbor before I left for work this morning.  I am required to endure suggestive and inappropriate conversation for assistance, but he’s handy(not handsy) and he fixes things properly:

Me:  I think I cracked the pipe the shower head attaches to trying to swap it out.

Neighbor:  You need pipe?  I can help, I think the plumbers handbook suggests you should hand me tools while testing the absorbency of white cotton and not wearing a bra.

Me:  You know it’s not going down like that.

Neighbor: I’m not helping if you are going to be sour.  I know it’s not going down like that.

Me:  Right now, you are focusing on the phrase ‘going down’.  Lol.

Neighbor:  Text me when you get home. I’ll bring gloves, in case I need to do an emergency insertion, oops, I mean inspection.  Lol.

Me:  *sigh*  A plumber may be cheaper after all…

So he comes over this evening with a little bucket of tools and a spare pipe, because he’s ‘that guy’.  I’m thinking I need to get a new pipe, cut the wall, and swap this piece out for CPVC.  Nope.

Me:  Leave it to me to screw up a head swap.  There you go.  I said screw and head.  It’s like paying you twice.

Neighbor:  *lewd hand gestures explaining how pipes fit together*

Me: Ok, bring your pipe along, you know, I broke the last one I got my hands on.

Neighbor:  *assesses situation* Yup, I really need to give you some new pipe.   

Me: *does not want to tear out the wall, forgets all about the necessary game of double entendre* Oh crap, do I need to get a drywall saw?  Should I pull out the stove? (My bathroom plumbing access is a big hole in the wall in the kitchen behind the stove, of course, because that makes sense.)  *swears like a sailor*

Neighbor: *unscrews fucking pipe from wall like a bottle cap* *laughs maniacally*

Me:  Are you fucking kidding me?

Neighbor:  *laughs maniacally* That will be $150.  *laughs maniacally*

Me:  That pipe just screws out of the wall?   I think I just paid you overtime.

He fixed that shit in five minutes and had the part I needed.   No glue. No cutting broken pipe.  No ‘we have to swap that for CPVC and glue the ever loving shit out of it’.

Me:  *shakes head* *cries for all she does not already know*

Neighbor:  Damn, I forgot my bill pad.

Me:  I’ve said pipe and screw in at least ten different inappropriate variations in ten minutes, you owe me time.

Neighbor:  *sigh*

Me:  I’m putting this whole exchange on FB later.

Life is short, Run With Scissors