The Cold, Grey Suck ~ A Letter to the Weathitor.

It’ll be a blizzard, nope all rain storm, oh no, it’s a rain storm with winter weather and snow on the backside.  Tornado, anyone want to take tornado?   My job would be less stressful if I had this kind of room for error.  I’m going over the weatherman’s head.

Dear Mother Nature,

 

Monday is statement day

I need to get in

Don’t fuck up traffic

And the day is a win.

 

You fool the forecasters

With your trickery

I have to ask once a month

The joke’s not on me.

 

Until I find job,

Where I can always be wrong

I need to make it in

The process is three days long

 

So I hope you can find it

In your cold, winter heart

To let me get to work on time

I have an early start.

 

Let me get home

I have to work that night too

It’s just a few days

The least you can do

 

Be the good woman

Behind the good man

Let them be right

Just now and then

 

It must be exciting

When the models agree

Then you turn on a dime

And we question their fee.

 

They track the best models

To determine the course

But a dieting woman

Is like an unbroken horse

 

One minute your up,

The next you are down

Just watch our smiles

Turn into frowns

 

We want you to be

Steady, predictable

But you hold your course

Often, most unreliable

 

I hope you can hear

This humble prayer

Just one work week a month

Could you please play fair?

 

 

Signed,

 

Slides On Ice With Scissors.

 

A New Year’s Poem

 

But Don’t Let The Door Hit You In The Ass

2014

Scene after scene

Finds me much as last year

And one thing is clear

 

Here on the acres

There are no breakers

Things will keep breaking

My bones will keep aching

 

Problems will come and problems will go

Old ones, stale ones, those I’ve yet to know

Mostly my good times balance the bad

And my days of happiness outweigh my sad

 

As another year sets in quiet repose

I’ll call up the good times, think only of those

Clean out my closets and start the New Year

Overflowing with happiness, love and good cheer

 

As it happens, I manage, although sometimes it’s tough

I suppose that I’m lucky, just lucky enough

The house is half clean, the toilet still leaks

But my friends won’t care, I hang out with freaks

 

So 2015,

Wipe our slates clean

And no more stray cats

I can drink to that.

 

Wishing everyone a safe and happy New Year!

 

The Management, Broke Ass Acres

 

 

 

 

 

Walkin in a Muddy Wonderland, A Holiday Poem

It’s not going to stop raining, there is no use in complaining

White Christmas is out, don’t bother to pout

We’re walkin in a Muddy wonderland.

 

Rain boots on, it’s time go out and let the horses stretch their legs out

One slipped and fell, it’s a horse owner’s hell

We’re sliding in a Muddy Wonderland

 

You’ns can shape an ornament from a mud ball,

Set them on the floor around the tree

You can make the best of it or shout out

I’m sick of mud so freeze it up for me

 

Playing fetch in the driveway, the scent of wet dog wafting my way

To get back inside, I must dry their hide

We’re tracking in the Muddy Wonderland.

 

Clean the house; companies coming.  What’s the point, the rain’s not stopping

I’ll let the dogs out to pee and like I never cleaned

We’re living in a Muddy Wonderland…

 

The dogs have turned a color I can’t name now,

The slide tracks in the yard will never fade

Hikies are suspended til it dries up,

I can’t believe the mess the rain has made

 

I know white Christmas is loved by many, but cleaning snow really kills me

I’m happy enough, though mud can be rough

I’ve come to grips with Muddy Wonderland…and I’m not clearing snow on Christmas Eve.

 

I hope everyone has a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!!!!   

The Management, Muddy Ass Acres

 

Cardshot

When Too Tight is a Problem, The Home Owner Files.

 

 

My dishwasher backwash line will just start overflowing on the counter out of the blue; despite the fact my kitchen drain is always clear.  The mend is simple, at least in theory.  Loosen the hose clamp, remove the hose, clear the blockage and replace everything, right?  Except the fucking hose is so ‘on’ the pvc and so supremely inflexible, near hulk like strength is required to remove it once the clamp is loose.  *reaches for the spinach and sighs* After ten minutes of swatting at Homer as he tries to investigate the open cabinet and making the ‘shit of the century’ face while wrestling the hose off the pipe on one meager cup of coffee and no breakfast, I find, per fucking usual, there really is no blockage.  I stab around with my screwdriver, scrape the insides of the hose and the pipe, and replace the hose and NO MORE LEAKING.

What is this trickery, you ask? So what exactly is the problem?  I don’t know.  I imagine a thin bubble of scum over the opening of this hose, built over time by the last bit of wet cat food gravy rinsed out of the empty can, a drop or two of grease left behind by Sunday’s bacon, the backwash of the half and half that is too sour to use, all woven into a few strands of my hair like a white trash dream catcher waiting to be stabbed from existence by Early Morning Angry Alison wielding a screwdriver.  I can think of no other explanation.  Add this to the list of puzzling home owner WTF’s.

 Life 1

Alison 1

I am calling this repetitive incident a tie only because the confounded hose is so hard to remove I will use towels to sop up the water for at least two weeks before breaking down and handling the problem.

Game on, Game off

Deciding to disassemble your pool table which has not hosted a game in over a year:  Weeks of consideration

Disassembling your pool table:  3 hours, patience and one great friend.  Two more great friends to relocate the slate.

Realizing you already own enough furniture to appropriately fill the resulting empty space without making a single purchase and it’s been cluttering up other rooms all this time:  Fucking awesome and maybe a little sad because….

Refusing to admit this endeavor was only possible because you precariously prance along the fine line between saving and hoarding and you must learn to let the phrase ‘but that was moms’ leave your reasoning when choosing what to keep:  Just look at all the stuff I’ll be making better use of now!

To hoard or not to hoard, that is the question.

 

 

 

 

To Plumb or Not to Plumb? ~~The Maintenance Files

The scene: 

Over the weekend, I replaced a shower head.  No problem, right?  I even found the tape with the note to tape in reverse on the threads.  I am so bad ass.  I’m going to plumb.  I replace the shower head, I turn on the water, it’s all good.  Cue my Monday morning shower….you guessed it.  Leakage.  I’m quite sure in all my radiant independence it just needs tightened.  *crack*   *sigh*  Now it’s spraying on the wall.  Monday, really, what did I expect?

Because in my home repair zeal I failed to use the ‘extra’ seal ring on the connection to the source, I over tightened and cracked the threads off a metal pipe.  My bad.  Time to pay the piper….literally.

So I texted my neighbor before I left for work this morning.  I am required to endure suggestive and inappropriate conversation for assistance, but he’s handy(not handsy) and he fixes things properly:

Me:  I think I cracked the pipe the shower head attaches to trying to swap it out.

Neighbor:  You need pipe?  I can help, I think the plumbers handbook suggests you should hand me tools while testing the absorbency of white cotton and not wearing a bra.

Me:  You know it’s not going down like that.

Neighbor: I’m not helping if you are going to be sour.  I know it’s not going down like that.

Me:  Right now, you are focusing on the phrase ‘going down’.  Lol.

Neighbor:  Text me when you get home. I’ll bring gloves, in case I need to do an emergency insertion, oops, I mean inspection.  Lol.

Me:  *sigh*  A plumber may be cheaper after all…

So he comes over this evening with a little bucket of tools and a spare pipe, because he’s ‘that guy’.  I’m thinking I need to get a new pipe, cut the wall, and swap this piece out for CPVC.  Nope.

Me:  Leave it to me to screw up a head swap.  There you go.  I said screw and head.  It’s like paying you twice.

Neighbor:  *lewd hand gestures explaining how pipes fit together*

Me: Ok, bring your pipe along, you know, I broke the last one I got my hands on.

Neighbor:  *assesses situation* Yup, I really need to give you some new pipe.   

Me: *does not want to tear out the wall, forgets all about the necessary game of double entendre* Oh crap, do I need to get a drywall saw?  Should I pull out the stove? (My bathroom plumbing access is a big hole in the wall in the kitchen behind the stove, of course, because that makes sense.)  *swears like a sailor*

Neighbor: *unscrews fucking pipe from wall like a bottle cap* *laughs maniacally*

Me:  Are you fucking kidding me?

Neighbor:  *laughs maniacally* That will be $150.  *laughs maniacally*

Me:  That pipe just screws out of the wall?   I think I just paid you overtime.

He fixed that shit in five minutes and had the part I needed.   No glue. No cutting broken pipe.  No ‘we have to swap that for CPVC and glue the ever loving shit out of it’.

Me:  *shakes head* *cries for all she does not already know*

Neighbor:  Damn, I forgot my bill pad.

Me:  I’ve said pipe and screw in at least ten different inappropriate variations in ten minutes, you owe me time.

Neighbor:  *sigh*

Me:  I’m putting this whole exchange on FB later.

Life is short, Run With Scissors 

Letter From the Editor

Dear Mother Nature,

I’ve received notice of your continued impending severe weather.  I’d like to point out that I have roughly 3 hours of clean up from last night’s storm damage completed with at least another hour of removal, in addition to the bits of winter damage still lying about I’ve yet to get to and thought I might catch up on this week.  I took time off to clean up the winter bits.

I recognize and appreciate your efforts to ensure I do not run out of firewood or logs for cross country jumps.  You’ve saved me a ton of money on firewood and kept me quite fit.  My outside jumping course grows more robust every year.  I’d give you a thumbs up for timing too, since you always seem to catch me when I’ve taken time off to work around the farm.  I must extend my sincerest thanks to you for gently laying the tree on my shed last night and not just slapping that ass.

I’ve taken a careful stock of what remains to be cleaned and accounted for your latest addition to my wood pile.  I’ve determined I have what I need to get through the winter 2014/2015.  If trees were double wides, my farm would be a trailer park. Frankly speaking, I’m falling behind trying to keep up with you and the place is looking rough.  I’m quite sure you will agree, we can’t have untidy homesteads about the land.  It’s a reflection on you as well as me, so I will have to ask kindly if you could find it in your windy, lightening littered heart to ease up on the acres until I can achieve a respectable level of clean up.

Sincerely,

The Management, Tired Ass Acres.

 

The Family Files ~ A Birthday Oda to Master Yoda

All my life I heard the same

His advice was never lame

Assholes are everywhere, this is true

Learn to deal with them and you will get through.

 

Expensive hobby?  Work hard, finish school.

Depending on others just isn’t cool

A hard working person gets what they need

A girl who makes money, her horses she can feed

 

 

He raised me to be smart and strong

To handle my business and right my own wrongs

Of the strongest moral fiber he is made

Bad decisions he would always dissuade

 

Wake each day and do your best

When it’s done, get your rest

It starts again on the morrow

A busy girl has less time for sorrow

 

What you need you will always get

The rest, my dear, work hard or regret

Do not meddle in the lives of others

Happiness is not linked to another

 

He embraces brevity

And fills our days with levity

Dirty poems he sometimes pens

Surprising even me, now and then

 

No finer man will I ever know

No other man would insist that I grow

Brucest of Bruces, Master Yoda for sure

A future so bright, he helped me secure

 

You are one of a kind

Father of mine

I am thankful every day

For the sperm that didn’t get away.

 

I’m so very proud to be the child of a man who eats what he kills.

Love you, Don.

 

 

 

 

Hallmark Can Suck It, They Rarely Get It Right.

For my wonderful mother, fetcher of fancy cheese, worker of minor miracles, 5 star chef, champion of the household and raiser of the Brucest child.  The cards sucked this year, I hope this will suffice. 

I looked for a card,
It was really quite hard.
Nothing quite right
No spot on insight
Truth is, you’re much better than best
So very far above all the rest
You’ve always gone well out of your way
To make sure I have the very best days
I just couldn’t list all you’ve done for me
I could try, but complete it would never be
Fact is you do so much more than you should
More than most would or could
Nothing below nor up above
Could ever compare to my mothers’ love
Thank your moms and your dads too
There is nothing they wouldn’t do for you
No card could say this so I wrote it down
My mom’s by far the best around
For all you’ve done and continue to do
I hope you know how much I love you.

Happy Mothers Day to the Brucest of Bruces.
Really, no mom is as Bruce as you.